Frustration races through my veins like fire,
It corrupts my thoughts, overpowers all rational thinking,
I regress, act out, and behave like a child who doesn’t get his way,
Frustration turns into Anger,

An anger that can not and will not be directed outward,
So inward it seeks me, it belittles me, and demeans my soul,
It festers into self-destruction and tricks me into hopelessness and despair,
Into self loathing and hate

It is drowning me,
Pushing my head under the water,
I resurface and thrash about for a few gulps of air,
Back down I plunge: isolated, rejected, and damned;

I attempt to grab a moment to bring in a positive thought or two,
To pull myself out of the abyss,
I dig my nails into the wall of this mental hole and claw my way up
Up from the chasm of dejection that has consumed my childhood… my identity,

I am fighting it, but afraid…
Punching with all of my might… but shivering in fear,
I am yanking the hair from its scowling head,
I am stunned that it’s laughing at me,
And shocked to see that it is I, whom I fight,

I begin to realize that it I who sabotages my progress,
I keep myself Hostage to the anger directed inward.
I begin to comprehend, that I have a choice,
A choice NOT to let Frustration turn to anger pointed inward…

In the search for my childhood, I selfishly missed my daughters. Her first steps, her first words, her first day of school all of the events of a child that a father should never miss. I was to selfish chasing after my lost childhood. I could not hold on to the memory of it, the very moment I had a firm grip around it, the mental aguish would pry my fingers loose one by one until I slipped back into the abyss. Only the lingering feelings of isolation and loneliness were left and haunted me throughout my adulthood. Haunted me, as I chased after my identity. Searching for my father, I denied my daughter hers, how could I be a father if I was never taught? Time for me to grow up! I fight those feelings today, it is a full out war going on inside me. Its time for me to stop being so selfish start being the father that my daughter deserves, the father that I was ment to be.

Monday i fell into the abyss, took me two days to climb out. I cried today, an attempted cry on the bus and a full out bawling in the cafeteria, I hid it, from everyone. embarrassing it is. A grown man, of 34 crying. i needed to let it out, all of the emotions that have been bottled up, that i repressed over the years. I am glad i did, I feel relieved. Relieved of all the baggage, maybe not all the baggage, but definatley, a duffle bag or two. all of those repressed emotions that I have carried around all of these years, I have like Joe Trace from Morrison’s JAZZ, become new.

Blue is how I feel this morning, dissapointed in myself. Dissapointed that I let myself down, that I sabatoged myself, knowing that I was sabtoging myself when i was doing it, Damn me! I earned 82 on a spanish test. seems petty, dosent it? it does! thirty-four years of this type of thinking, it is not easy to change. I am working on it, i have to remember that life is 90% of what happens to me and 10% how I react to it. Ok! time to react: study harder, get help, refocus, ask for help…Time to take control, and stop sabatoging my progress, the little neglected boy is acting up again.

Ok, know i am feeling Mucho bettero! (bettero not actually a word in spanish “use at your own risk”) Chin up, back straight, chest out, optimisim. My thoughts are all over the place lately, refocus Joe. Eye on the prize, this is not just for you, but your daughter. Focus, step by step, live for today. Just for today. Count the small victories: got up this morning,(always a blessing), earned an 114% on 1st business test, (wow), on my way to a degree, daughter is healthy, sun is shining, I am in shcool.

Ok, i am focused, know what i need to do, put the plan in action.

Frustration races through my viens like fire, it corrupts my thoughts, overpowers all rational thinking, I regress, act out, behave like a child who doesnt get his way, Frustration turns into Anger that can not and will not be directed outward, so inward it seeks me , it belittles me, demeans my soul, until it festers into self-destruction and tricks me into the hole of despair, self loathing, self…….hate, I am gasping for breath, for a few gulps of air, mentally, emotionally I suffocating myself, I am damned, I try squeeze a moment to interject a positive thought or two, to pull myself out of this abyss, the dark place, that swallowed my innocence, my childhood, my identity, my existence. I am Fighting it, but afraid, punching with all of my might, but shivering in fear, i am yanking the hair from its scowling head, I am stunned that its laughing at me, and shocked to see that it is I whom I fight, it is I who sabatoges my progress, I keep myself Hostage, to the anger directed inward. I start to understand, to relize, that I have a choice, a choice NOT to let Frustration turn to anger pointed inward